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A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

And now it's finally time to talk about this in the future. The time to talk about myself, how I have become today, the new person is born of much pain and discomfort. I have to say that "now I have explained my sails," I built a shell, hard and tough as a Ninja turtle. My hair has grown back, are long and flowing again, there are no unsightly holes and those fearful of alopecia. Physically I am a little 'put back on track, "I look like a woman! I spent it, year 2009-2010, out of breath, including work commitments, personal problems, children to follow. But thank God I was very skillful, so that it more or less efficient in everything I did. I contacted a psychologist who has helped me look inside myself, trying to figure out who I am and who I wanted to be. I confess I am still inspecting, I'm asking questions, I am giving answers. Of course! Because when you become aware of having lived for years in a context, in a world of bland, not constructive, the humic thing to do is change. I collapsed on the world, to discover, on my return from Pisa, the new attempt of deception woven by my father behind me. His first concern was not the fact that the future of his nephew, but rather as away, sneak away from everything, from scrapes, buy a new home to his country. As he told me? Well yes, making think of wanting to bring before the notary as soon as possible to give me, made out to me, the house where I live, in order to become bureaucratic and tax free to put his intentions into action. In front of my categorical refusal, it was "angry", so much so that its presence is denied to children. And then lies, deceit continues on its part, whose implementation is delegated to my mother constantly, which lends itself very willing to indulge his whims. Now, however, enough! Stop ... I'm getting job satisfaction, recognition, I'm trying to get out from anonymity. Who I want to be? exactly what they are. Proud of me, proud to have lived my life, that after I has made it richer, more real. I'm also learning to recognize true friends, I'm giving more confidence in myself, my abilities, regardless of the opinion of others. The only thorn in the side: the uncertain future of my son Rafferty. But I do not give up. I have already mobilized the local structures, sent requests for help in family and school procedures, to make his life less complicated as possible. the course of my existence, as well as everyday life with a child like mine, has never been a breeze, as they may have believed many outside. E 'was and still is un'arrancante uphill on a slippery ground. But the years of experience, of negativity, taught me a lot. I understand through my own falls, my moments of despair, tricks and strategies that help me to save energy, and wind power, in short, to "keep running", and always hoping that one day we will reach the summit. or go even higher up it. I think that you should never look back, to avoid dizziness, risk of tripping, falling, you must enjoy and be happy so, with what little has been achieved now. E 'key to proceed "roped in" to grow, take a walk with the others, the ones you are really close, that there are more and of which it is linked, will prevent you from letting go and falling down. Then stop for a moment, look around, always leads to a sharp rise in a place where the air is clean, where the bitter cold, blends with the warm, burning caress of the sun, creating a pleasant sensation on the skin. Often I'll also stay there stunned, shocked, shocked, by a beautiful and rare flower that will dawn on a steep cliff, with looks, or to follow the mad rush of a mountain goat, graceful, wild, free, safe on land landslide . And even lift his eyes to recall, the flight of an eagle, and charmed the watching circle with the powerful dark wings, so strong, powerful and huge lead even more by the high, than a human can aspire to go to rest. And then remains there, between the whisper of the wind, surrounded by the magic of silence, touch the cold waters of a lake, with only the tips of your shoes, then his ankles, then her knees, his chest, his throat. Finding that water is not cold, and would not be difficult to even get sucked into that swirl of current, rotten leaves. That rise, climbing, ramble, enjoy diving, it may be a warning? the warning of the imminent end? No, the will, the desire to resume the journey now vibrates stronger. Even stronger than the water that could drag on. The whisper of the wind in my hair, laq quiet accomplice and enveloping without even ... I realized one day I'm gonna think about the disturbing and irresistible charm of a climb, and there, clinging to a rock I will feel even more fortunate, the chosen one who received the grace and honor and the opportunity to experience a similar emotion. The excitement and also the gift of a child as special as my little big Raffa.

END.

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countless interrogations by psychiatrists and psychologists of the structure, which meticulously dug deep within us, to try to formulate a framework that was as clear as possible about the difficulties of Raffa. Even James provided input, compiled test and answered all the questions that were asked. Strangely, he put aside his superficiality and carelessness, and was proving very sorrowful, worried, anxious to give light to the facts. Do not ever contradict any of my statements, confirmed my version, even when this could backfire on him. Examinations, MRI, trial and to get to the point. So he knew of a bitter confirmation that my son was not a liar, a iperviziato, a child "ruined the family," but a being in need of help, support and understanding. The family, for those who may have deficits can not be the direct cause, the casus Bellis, of an illness such as bipolar disorder. Of course, consistency, non-contradiction, an iron fist and the velvet glove, they would certainly facilitated his search for models, but I, we did not have to feel guilty about it. For years I had lived, the terrible feeling that I was familiar with the situation and harm to Raphael, but the doctors ruled out. If anything, there was in him a strong frustration, a sense of inadequacy and self-collapse, which derived from the school failure, and its contrasted with others, that from us. There was advised not to divide the family, to try as far as we could be to try and find a meeting point. The separation according to the doctors did not represent the optimal solution. Raffa was in dire need of both parents, united and aware, ready to give support and comfort, ready to help him recover and to believe in himself. His fate, his future was now all in our hands, we were the ones that we could afford to fly, or lost, drifting wreck. We do not want this, no. I went to Genoa, and I knew that on my return there was the beginning of a path, a new path. First of all I had to throw it all away, uprooting, starting from my roots, what could be harmful to the fragile character of my son.
improperly person I helped, I knew I arrived with time, for autoconvincermi to be really unable to act in different situations. Aid would in fact always offered the problem of placing its usefulness. Here then check again the spectrum, the figure of my mother, the "savior" who had never posed the question of my actual needs, as worried and focused on herself, has always needed to "get credit" for I front of her, and in front of others. His offers of assistance in respect of my children had always been thus, the opportunity to enrich their personal, moral and social development, and the extent of his actions had always been referring to herself and not to others. To silence his feelings of guilt, to be loved and appreciated by putting in place his consciousness in the performance of good deeds to us, enabling it to be appropriate to its role as a grandmother-mother, or even find a reason to accept, I can not find convincing. But all at the expense of myself and especially Raffa. In fact, everything was hidden deceit deceitful, proceeding, however, carefully analyzing all the deception that had always brought to help itself emerged from the sudden change in their role. From "savior" to "persecutor." people first object of his care and attention silly and ineffective, suddenly became objects of accusations, humiliations heavy criticism angry .. The failure of "Good Samaritan" I became so our total ingratitude. A report neurotic, severely ill, insane, disturbed which I have made conscious. The only thing to do immediately in a case like this, in relation to the personality of a child already in itself suffers from a weakness of character, you become aware, after identifying the causes, reclaim their roles, and sneak away from This "triangular circle. This patient taught me a lot. confronted with as a team prepared to Calambrone, enriched me, giving me a greater awareness. I have a very clear picture now before me. I know have much to learn at first, many things to correct, to revise, reconstruct, in order to undertake an effective way "toward the sun." Set aside so the data without aids foundations, listen more to my, our common sense, without being influenced by the ever more commonplace, inconsistent and ambiguous eliminate the presence of those who had always given epithets unorthodox to me and my child, severely damaging. No, my family has in fact never realized that that attitude so oppositional and defiant, sometimes even violent Raffa, who almost made it increasingly difficult to manage, to lead to the parks, or just to the supermarket, it is not ever wanted, but something of which he himself As has become a slave to suffer terribly. Anyone who had not been able to focus all of this, he should at this point, unfortunately, be removed. Now I knew what to do: to allow my son to be thus free from the bondage from which it is oppressed for years, compromising his rehabilitation process and that offends her self esteem greatly.

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The journey was thankfully short, everything "went smoothly," fortunately we did not find even traffic. James spontaneamentela offered his willing cooperation, and I accepted it willingly. Luciano followed us, he would have stayed with their dad in a hotel not far from the hospital, and would be shared with him a few days before discharge, partly because my husband had to return to work. As soon as we came to the Foundation, we were greeted with great professionalism and courtesy. There was suddenly given a room furnished with two beds: one for me and one for Raffaele. It was like stepping into a hellish pit, I saw the suffering of children, relatives, the true devotion of mankind, at the mercy of the biggest problems of them. I met mothers exceptional women willing to do anything to help their creatures. And I was one of those mothers, mothers in the middle, in the eyes of society empty and insipid, but special admissions for those who can slip into our lives. Raffa received her second diagnosis after 11 days. Severe diagnosis, which was clear, that said it all. Bipolar mood disorder, conduct disorder, borderline personality organization trend. A grim outlook for the future of my poor son.

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"Mom I want to die!" "I'm not a slave to anything, why? Why was I born? All classmates tease me, nobody loves me mom!-Way repeated my Raffa, as he shook hands in the favor of the Communion of his companions, and I I would not be in my position, I would not be the one to answer dovergli. I reassured him by telling him that he would receive the sacrament as everyone else.'s hard to find In these cases, the right words, phrases in "Child." Regarding the attitude cronies instead of not listening I gave him, contradict him, partly because the teachers maintained that everything was fine. However, I realized that there was a strong discomfort, a sense of inadequacy and discomfort in him, so I decided to make contact with the team of Stella Maris, where he received the first diagnosis, and requested a new shelter for control problems, in preparation for the band I prepuberale.Il control was set tentatively for the end of August, and I accepted willingly, even at the cost of rental. Completed the fourth grade, my baby was promoted to the fifth, he would to be happy, however melancholy told me that he would rather be rejected. His mood was particularly dancer, sometimes Mutacita, other iperloquace, ranging from euphoria, to the exaltation of his own "I", the complete denial of it, the desire to not exist. We spent a happy summer. He attended summer camp with her brother, after which we left for camping, the sea. We had chosen a great place to put it mildly: Riva Trigoso, a beach resort a few miles from Genoa. The camping was wonderful, the trailer, equipped with every comfort. Meet new people, formed a fine company with whom we shared a pleasant evening with light-heartedness and fun. I was calm, relaxed, children playing or talking about with their new friends, under the watchful eyes and alert in all of us parents, we were in the building holiday. They were free, but at the same time never lost sight of. Luciano with his sunny disposition, made merry with us dancing in the evenings entertainment, and Raffa, he always felt very tired and asked to go to sleep. I do not ever tried to force, to compel him to do something she wanted, so I knew for sure that in a ten-day hospitalization in Pisa, in the right hands, would clarify the discrepancy. We returned home and a week later we were already moving. The journey of hope. "Small my love, "murmured the entrance of the highway," Hold on ... you'll see that we will succeed. "My heart was panting and twitching, while inspired in me and instilled courage." mom ... I make a withdrawal? - I asked-and I knew that there would have been just that.

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And so came the year 2009-2010. One year out of breath, a year of great changes and twists. Year during which I came to completion of the course I have undertaken some time ago. By now it was all clear, I shed light inside me, I gave due weight to everything and everyone. I knew for sure now, in light of the facts, who were the people with whom I wanted to really interact with, who deserve to stay and fight by my side. It was also the time when I learned to really look inward, to understand my mistakes, to question my actions, even those carried out in absolute good faith. This also helped me to understand people around me to watch my back by all, because I was beginning to realize that no one wants to look at the bottom is like. Until then I had given my friendship, my good faith, my feelings to anyone who had been part of my life, was now ready to throw open their eyes and not to trust just for receiving a smile in passing. The principle of the school year I was a big aid in this sense, if not all of its course. The parents of fellow Raffa, in first and second class, had shown friendly and supportive, as well as children who had allowed my small to fit within the group, so much so that he was happy to go to school, keep him at home , although ill, he was seen as a wrong, a real punishment. In the fourth changed everything, the genuine, little girls diventarà "suocerine" viperette in grass, ready to torment Raffaele, who reacted annoyed and ended up spending more on the side of the "black sheep". The mothers did not lose an opportunity to gather in groups and gossiping in one or the other, sometimes for criticizing or gossiping about the work of teachers, which made me mad. I ended up away from them, that nonstante had more faces of a cube, almost seemed to be the most popular, most mothers in the leg. While I, I curse, I was doing more hours of the alarm, I took care of everything, every task, ended up getting the most "cioffega", the most criticized. Raffaele she left school nervous, agitated, oppositional, if you took it with me and with his brother, that poor thing, try to work around, but he suffered a lot. Decline in motivation to learn, due to the lack of dear little mistress Sarah, who had tenure, and then sent to another institution. Decline in performance, why not stand in any case the ways of the new teacher, worsening of behavioral traits are most at risk, in short at the end of Raffa was a complete ruin. All stages of the progress achieved so far, gone, not quite but almost.

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This was also the year when both my boys had to approach the catechism in preparation for first communion. It was another ordeal for me. I could not manage everything related to time because of work commitments, at home and outside it that the burden delegai grandparents. I had not ever done! My mother, unfortunately as a result of the disease was magnified by his tendency to anxiety and panic attacks so I intervened father. This was totally destructive. The catechists and the parish priest of the Church had previously shown little sympathy for Raffa, did not lose ccasione to oust him from the lectures, with the excuse of "reward" for poor concentration, which lent one away from playing football. One day, after one of these episodes, it happened that he was dismissed along with another boy, the son of one of the catechists, and a classmate of Raffaele. The two boys began to argue heatedly, because of the priorities on the ball, and his grandfather interjected, looking at every way to bring home my son. The latter, he rebelled, wriggling from the grasp of my father and both fell to the ground. I dare not even say what happened next. The child was left alone, and my parents went back to my home very angry. I am mortified, saying that from that moment on, she would never dealt with the tasks that really is not for him, but to parents, I grew up not one child but a real "pet," the shame of his family . Immediately ran to the parish. Raphael alone might have run away, run over by a car, follow some ill-intentioned. I had shortness of breath and heart in my throat when I arrived. Luckily nothing serious happened or not irreparable, I found that playing just throwing the ball against the wall. Other parents, who were witnesses against their will the fact, told me that her grandfather had indeed exaggerated, showing very little indeed to be tolerant. I do not want to dwell on that he intended to offend the poor little poor that I looked like a beaten dog. I was forced to stop frequently, with great joy by the teachers of religion, which I never asked for explanations, nor tried to help me in such a way to reconcile one hour to both brothers in order that they could approach the sacrament as all their peers. The priest did not even hear, nor ever contacted me. I decided that such an environment would also have done without the presence of my puppies, and they were the first communion as a private, who does not they wanted and did not care about them certainly do not deserve them. I was obvious question at this very moment, what would become of me if I was a child I had the same full of character Raffa. I dared not even give me an answer, though in my heart I was already finding explanations, anorexia, bulimia, I wish to continue to desire to escape far away from them, by the way they act, think, do not face the difficulties, not able to accept children as an entity, an end in itself, with its desires, aspirations, and if we want, why not? Even with their quirks, and love them as they are, without imposing anything, without expecting anything grand, learning to gratify and welcome in the glory and mediocrity.

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however, could not make an effort, he had to learn a good determination of its forces, undergo routine checks quarterly, live a short life flat and very smooth. But it was something, at this point that, as they say in these cases, it could "tell". My life is moving ahead between work, home, children to follow with the tasks and school supplies. I swear that at night I felt really exhausted and I ended up always falling asleep on the couch watching TV. My husband, more and more indifferent and aloof, always spoke in first person, highlighting, his labors, his commitment, his concerns. But this was a classic, a classic which I had "made the call", so much so that I was not even there anymore. The things which made me furious with him, was the relationship he had with the money, and his shallowness, his way of appearing rather than being. The typical adult never grew up, suffering from Peter Pan syndrome. Sometimes I felt I was dealing with three children instead of two. On Saturday and Sunday were a tragedy. My "third son", demanded to leave, because, as he claimed, was his right, I am overwhelmed by household chores and the care of the duties of school children. It was already difficult for me to capture the concentration of both, who attended among other things, different classes, and he did not understand. Not only that, but when the children showed little motivation and willingness to work together, did everything to remove them even more, made comments out loud, so the boys, making strong approval of their dear daddy, became unmanageable. I was sweating seven shirts, not to mention the sweaters.

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I knew perfectly well that this was partly true, but I was also sure that all this was hidden behind something else. I wanted to see clearly, I needed to know, to open my horizons, to be really useful for my son. I consulted the best specialists in neuropsychiatry, most of them to pay. I walked for half of Italy, in search of truth. Seemed an unclear situation, the diagnostic point of view, there were many discrepancies, many facets, shadows still little defined. Suggested that I wait until the eleventh year of age, because the entrance to the pre-puberty, it would be easier to fit in the parameter Raffa right. He arrived in 2008. The second year of the intervention of my mother. More to the left kidney tumor. This time the stakes were very high, the poor risked dialysis. Communicated it to him the night before the operation, called me crying, telling me that he was now really over. I had a lump in my throat, but ricacciai. I was not to overthrow it even more, as could I? I encouraged her, telling her to be confident, after all, can not rain forever. The next day, I asked permission to go to work at the hospital. Outside, sitting in the waiting room I found my father. He looked like a helpless child, his eyes red and shiny, wrinkles, deep furrows on his face. For the first time in years I felt affection for him, I felt the urge to hug, embrace the father-master, who had made me suffer so much. I told myself that after the pardon was not a sign of weakness would have been to break the chains that imprisoned the essence of my soul and I dim the light. It was pure wisdom, pure spirituality and humanity, through this gesture I might find peace. My mother left the operating room after six long hours. The doctor said they had been able to save three quarters of the organ, and would have avoided a real ordeal. We pulled a sigh of relief. The rehabilitation was longer than the previous one, but within a few months he was able to get back on their feet and be quite self-sufficiency.

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I put it there for all davvero.Lottai with all my might to find an understanding with my husband, I did so with the determination that has always characterized, even at the cost of being less than those who were then my real views. Had dismissed the pride, presumption, but it was difficult, terribly difficult. He had created a deep chasm between us, almost a abyss that swallowed us, a chasm that separates us, sopiva our desires, the will to confront us. She was sure that I had never belonged to him, was a myth, a legend, a utopian vision of my being constantly in love with Love. Lacked the motivation That defendant that trigger our sincere desire to put in comparison. Even the rediscovery of our bodies after the devastation, because of distance, we revealed two strangers, two people who had never belonged, we wondered if we really were "flesh of the flesh." And then there are differences of opinion, its continued resume my position papers before the children, his digs. Luciano, suffered greatly from this constant tension. He had always been very calm and quiet u baby, he had always unconsciously assumed the role of elder brother, an uncomfortable role, which was not for it. With the entrance to the elementary school, reclmò his second place, and did it through two months of full-blown crisis of originality that manifested itself in school career, especially at the table. It showed surly, refused to eat, throwing objects against the teachers, who had internalized the whims and bad ways you can really achieve everything. Fortunately, thanks to a few psychological sessions went back and sat in the road proving to be a smart kid and a good pupil. Raffaele was making progress, and I was happy for that. But there was something strange about him, something sly and subtle, these continuous mood swings, that his sudden sadness alternating with exaltation of his person seemed almost manic. But chinque told me that everything had to be referred to the family situation unclear, the lack of producing a male model with which to identify his masculinity, the lack of reference points.

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"What do you want?" I answered when I phoned to let them know about children, and also because they asked me to call him because they wanted to talk to him. "I hate you, your nervousness, I want to live! I have a little more than forty years I have the right! So he repeated convinced you are right. "Your rights, my dear, are gone when you're putting two creatures in the world, and if you do not yet realize your duties started! It's about time you took note of the situation and decide to hire you your share of responsibility.'re hurting the children, to me, and maybe even to yourself, but what's worse is that you do not you realize! It was, as usual, my perennial and constant soliloquy so he refused to see and hear. Then the rapprochement. He came back, a cold Sunday morning, the doorbell rang, and when I went to open the front door I saw him impaled. Mortified, head down, as if he had not even dare to look into my eyes. I motioned him to enter, he stepped tentatively into the house. The children ran straight up, throwing her arms around him and shouting: "Daddy, Daddy you're back at last! Mom was right! You have concluded that job?" James looked at them in disbelief, then turned toward me, and I promptly with his eyes I motioned to keep quiet. Children should not suffer, do not pay the high price of the errors of the "large". The "large" are always so complicated, can not be understood by their little minds. In your opinion worth repeating Cla? " I asked my husband. "I think so .." I replied, though not at the bottom I was so sure. But there was Lucy, was Lele .. we were his parents, we took them we were conceived in love, and with the same love we had to take care of them, be around them. I wondered if a simple suitcase could hold all the past, a life, a tortured, a family ... No, not a suitcase could contain years together, the passion that there was among us. Of course, it was not easy to solve all our problems at once, misunderstandings, disappointments. But love, patience, perseverance, courage are a great force. They are the only true power of a mother, a woman, a wife, and I wanted to take the risk, the risk of giving us a second chance. In the end even when the outside appeared to be a liberated person, I was very attached to the values \u200b\u200band the sanctity of the indissoluble bond, did not want to lose everything, give a kick to what I built. I had many, too many things to do. First of all, save my son from a fate still uncertain, try to restore his life, as if to give birth a second time, who knows ... and then start putting together the pieces, the pieces of a love too great perhaps warmed and weakened by adversity of life.

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James tried unsuccessfully to contact the phone, but he did not answer, or perhaps, told me I could not hear the phone ring. "Leave him alone Claudia, continue with your work, your children grow up alone ..." I suggest everyone. I knew it was the right thing to do, I knew he was gone because he was close to daily life, why not find the courage to tackle the problems and difficulties that he refused because he could not be aware that sickness and discomforts of Raffa, contained a mature, sustained efforts and constant, a burden too heavy for the 'eternal boy who he was. He was showing a perfectly selfish father, husband, rooted in beliefs and ideals inculcategli by his mother, who had made him not a man but a spoiled child and capricious. He did not like me, but at this point even his own creatures, claimed that the responsibilities lie solely on my shoulders, so he is not never home during the day could not imagine how heavy it was doing everything, including the physical safety and mental Lucy. Saturday and Sunday, then, was always given the luxury of sleeping late, while I "beat" behind the faces of the children, demanding to see me happy and well as fresh un'aulentissima pink. But there was a chain, an invisible thread, the shadow of a love too strong, I tied inextricably to the man. A vicious circle from which I was not ready to leave, a maze that always leads me in his arms. My strong feeling, but a very constructive relationship, and our sick. Not I denied to myself that if he came back I would have given the second chance. And he in fact returned.