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"You have no patience, Claudia! I suck as a woman, do not need it! Go and killed!" So he shouted, and meanwhile collected his things into a suitcase. I stared at him with regret, regret, bitterness. I was standing there in front of him, scared, small, helpless, insecure, with self-esteem now under "shoes." He left without looking back, bringing with him his clothes, his personal effects, and I felt that now it was over, gone forever. Our streets, our destinies are shared here, so dismally. I did not know if it was my fault or his fault, to be honest I do not even know. Yes, because when you truly love someone, blame, any liability, not those do not count anymore. Look just a great agony, grief and an immense sense of emptiness. How to disappear into an abyss. I was stuck, destroyed, humiliated, copious tears coming down, I could not, I could not stop them. I looked at my reflection in the mirror, my face, looking in vain for the appearance of the beautiful and charming girl who I was, but only the semblance of scogevo me, there were the remains of a faded beauty, faded from the evidence too hard to before which my life had wanted to ask me. He was gone. Vanished, ... and I ran away? Not me, I'm not me I could afford, and then not wanted. Why mothers never flee, never to face their responsibilities, even in the most terrible. Mothers are crying, are emptied, they cancel, stumble, then back to touch the bottom, they are there, there will always be. Clutching my kids to the heart, all that remained of a love too great a love "cursed" by chance. I stared at their naive and questioning, unable to understand why what was happening. "Mom, do not cry" .. my whispered Lucy. "Mom, Dad, where is he? Where did he go?" Raffa under investigation. With the death of the soul and I say: "' gone out, but only for a few days ... I will come back .. you'll see that return. And in the bottom of my essence I really hope that went well.

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My mother meanwhile was to visit the grandchildren only when James was at work, seeing the two of them had cut off all contact. Then with a thousand strategies, managed to draw closer and apologize to the son, who with due caution and the initial steps agreed to patch up relations with her. In those days I arrived the first proposals for collaboration. I agreed the most humble activity, and heavy and even humiliating. So I thought, at my age, after so many years of absence from my environment, who never would wanted to apply to me? To me that was not counted more than anything, I was not any more. When I checked all my hopes for an interesting job to do, called me to audition as a simultaneous translator. Stronger than my perfect English of my good French and German, as well as an excellent curriculum, much to my surprise I was hired for an indefinite period. Complete with a congratulatory handshake from the main part of my future. James was left shocked, stunned. My financial autonomy and frightened him with dismay. Of course now would be more difficult for him to crush his head like you do with a snake. A vigorous and strong character like mine would surely strengthened now and to keep him at bay would be a problem. But I still loved him, even though I told him no more in a long time, and I would do anything so my feelings were paid. He did not understand and never reacted by choosing a different path, and a bad day, "Enough!" shouted "Do not stand it anymore, now I'm leaving!" And while slamming the door he went on, James, my James, left so much pain and so cold in my heart.

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James, was nothing if not a person sacrificed, anchored to the precepts wrong, from which he did not want and did not have the tenacity to sneak out. Many preconceptions, stereotypes, all based solely on the trial and opinion of the people. Mero and pure false facade of respectability, which had more the appearance of that being. But what I had longed to be and to exist, and not vegetate, or expose myself to the opinions or the sentiments of the masses. Our disagreements and our differences of opinion were now focused on educational measures to be taken to our two children. I had attended two parent training, I was much more logical for policy and technology.
Implement the use of positive reinforcement or negative depending on the punishment or reward to bestow. He challenged me all this, considering it useless and ineffective, reproached me that I had "mounted the head." It fielded more on the side my mother, because what she claimed was coming much more to what had been inculcated in turn. They were basically very similar, I was the black sheep, the rebel, the one that went against the tide around.
subject to their constant criticism and proceeded to lecture my way.
Their romance and charm soon after it broke. There was a heated exchange between my mother and James, he said, of all colors, what's in front of children.
She went so far as to drive him from home without my knowledge. When after him a couple of days' absence he returned home, did not look in his face for several more months. On this occasion, my mother-in-law contacted me on the phone and I covered him with insults and injuries, but I have nothing to do, because at the time of the discussion I was not even at home. But as usual, she lost no opportunity to attack me or attack me by his son by laying blame and then make me look like the wife and mother, unworthy, inadequate, that his poor creature would never, ever have married. Meanwhile, my relationship with the school was more active, I worked hard, the teachers Raffa, were becoming aware of my abilities and skills, and were starting to give me appprezzarmi value. Cristina, he trusted me so much, to allow me to follow his own children to private English lessons. Two guys wake up, and well educated, with readiness and intellectual capacity, which allowed me to really bring out my level of knowledge in my field. All stimulated me, telling me that were not right that I continue to remain anonymous, that was the case iniazziassi really do anything for me, something I'm gratified, enhance. I suggest you go back to work. A mother contented and strong inside, would be beneficial to both the children and would be a good reference point and model for Raffa. Just palesai my intentions to my husband, he became a hyena. Does not accept that I could take any type of activity and therefore should spend time outside the "cage" from home. Among the other, in that same period, work had changed again, coming into contact with individuals who did not like me. Ambiguous figures, a little serious and concrete, I had the impression that inciting against me even more than they should. They do not appreciate the process of colleagues with whom he had to do, I often pointed out, never fails to point out to him his worst since they attended. He not only took into consideration my disapproval, but more and more away from me. We were now, light years away, practically on two different solar systems. A bit 'out of spite against him, a bit' to a real desire for independence and revenge began to write and send resumes intending to accept, to begin with the first job I had been proposed.

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Cristina Annalina, Sara and I, working seriously and we work hard, become practically a "one", so much so that within a few months had already seen the first tangible and concrete. And James? James had that role in all this? Well, he took care to accompany Raffaele serving pre-school in the morning, then went to work, and the rest of the burden was delegated to me. Rarely relate to the teachers, not even had much sympathy for them, because people who did not scruple to take a parent ritessero when appropriate, or to call things by their name. It was also realized, though I had not ever talked about openly, that there were tensions and unclear and conflicting situations between us, and he was annoyed that it perceives it and become aware. There was a period during which we slaughtered for real, I had it in him, he with me. By the time I realized that because of his attitude was not entirely his. It was just was not ready, was not ready to "take the leap," but what I was doing. Was still anchored in the values \u200b\u200band ideals which had been sent by his family of origin, ideals of submission, self-sacrifice of the female figure in favor of male chauvinism. The male had the power and benefits about everything, while the woman? she was born to suffer and endure. This had been inculcated by the despotic and oppressive mother figure, which represented the "true male of the house", manipulating and blackmailing the poor husband, who was forced, in order not to suffer his Vengeful, to accept the conditions that were strette.Rammento plots behind the poor victim, to show people that she was "the mother's heart, which kept the children and defended them even if it means clashing with her husband. But in reality things were not so, she beat some, but for one daughter and one son, the other did not exist for her, and admitted that they had problems, she had much to think about and could not help it. James indeed was not a bad soul, was a confused, disoriented. He had not yet focused on the facts. I admit the mistakes of my parents quietly, as he found it hard to recognize those of the other party, so he hurled against me in their favor. He too had been taught to raccontarsela, and believe it, maybe it was his defense against a truth that bothered him, bumped him.

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The year was 2006. Now I'm definitely feeling more calm and relieved, at least in terms of school integration. The early work of the tutors, they were hard, tiring and demanding, even if they, in truth, I did not weigh anything, confessed to me a few years later. There were incidents of detention and melee between the teacher and Raffa Annalina, the latter fought with the "tooth and nail" to be able to get the better of him. Beyond the diagnosis and the problems involved, there was a strong tendency to Raffaele challenge anyone to put a strain on patience and tolerance. It was an oppositional-defiant attitude, even amplified by the long stay out of his house, the contradictions in place against it since I was small, had led him to internalize anything that could be obtained simply "by whim." So now he understood perfectly that her grandmother would have shocked and terrified certainly capitulated to his dramatized the "Mario Merola. He learned to reason with the logic that everything can be achieved through blackmail, deception or underhanded addure pretexts. On the other hand had always been told lies, had been tricked, deceived. The job was so difficult and demanding. It was necessary to rebuild confidence in the whole adult world that until then had "mocked", he had been wounded, treated almost as if it were a parcel. I realized then that what his grandparents had called help, in reality was nothing but a sick system, developed only in terms of the comfortable of the "large". A vicious circle from which it was time to break free.

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Teacher Cristina Instead, she met her some time later. I saw the exit, that's for sure, I had spoken during a first interview, but we never had the opportunity to exchange many opinions. A beautiful lady Cristina. Beauty of a sober, composed, never showy, very fine, elegant, graceful and feminine. He gave me the impression of a tough and determined figure, very confident. I was struck by his way of thinking and talking, relaxing the tone of his voice, his eyes inquisitive and introspective, he had the overwhelming power of "laying bare the soul." How many secrets, things never told, secrets of which I was ashamed to admit even to myself, could to tear Cristina. Cristina, Cristina sweet, with his unique way of knowing how to put at ease the next, love and devotion to his work. And then his intelligence, his expertise in educational psychology, his precious advice. And then finally met Sara. Small tender Saretta! The youngest of three, our "young teacher from the red pen." Although still at the beginning of his career in primary school, already showed an innate inclination to this difficult and demanding profession, and outside, putting heart and soul and mind in everything he did or said. Our beautiful doll! Two highly mobile eyes, bottle green, loving, friendly, and sometimes a little accomplices who conquered all. But all! A real fairy. Raffa love it immediately, and established a deep bond with her, tender and sweet. A beautiful trio of fellow, who seemed born to work together and act together in unison, beating insistently for a common cause: the interests of children. Through their collaboration they knew of little to stimulate the emotions, and they did it by focusing on "team work and team." Their motto? Consistency always, whenever and wherever. Although still not much I knew I trusted them already. Now I was sure that my son was really safe and in good hands. Willingly accepted their suggestions and tried to put them into practice as best I could.

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school debut, which ended in a little happy, because Raffa had spent most of the year in the hospital, I was preparing to accompany him to what I hoped would mark the beginning of a regular cycle for its regular pupil. The first day of first grade, in fact should have been for him, the start of the second class, I knew that I, and he realized it too. But in the end beyond the misfortune that had hit us, what we really hoped and dreamed, was that it was finally accepted and integrated, which does not call me mid-morning to send it back home. He too felt lost, maybe even a little scared, probably feared comparison with what would have expected. After having delivered and entrusted to those who were her teachers, and that I did not have the slightest idea of \u200b\u200bwho and how they were, I took my leave and headed home. Here my mother came over me with her anxiety, which is certainly not helped me to calm my own, so much so that he insisted so much that they consented to return to school to control the situation. I was perfectly aware that I was not doing the right thing, was not the most orthodox way to present my "calling card" to the teachers, they could, knowing nothing of me, understand my gesture as a kind lack of trust in them ... But I really wanted to avoid discussing with her at that moment, so I walked slowly back toward the school. I knocked on the door of the hall and opened the door it was one of the professors in charge. That was the first time you interact with the teacher Annalina Brini. The first thing that struck me about this woman was the color of his eyes: green. Green, a lovely green, beautiful and deep breath-taking, cats, gifts, and at the same time very, very good and reassuring. Actually, the spot showed rightly upset and annoyed by my unusual position, but then he took me and confronted me in the hallway talking with a gentle and comforting tone. I went home and waited four ten o'clock. Never ever, the clock was slow! At the exit I was surprised to see the smiling face dell'insegante as I returned Raffaele. I went shy and afraid of what I have heard and asked in a whisper: "Excuse me .. but that's sure he's okay?" She smiled, with that open smile and radiant Annalina belongs only to me and said, "Of course, all is well, do not worry ... we make it succeed ... is we're doing .."

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I had much too much to rebuild, to forget. Forget all the bad that I was done and that I had allowed me to do. It was time to make everyone understand that I intended to take possession of my life and decide on its own for my son. I risked a lot, too. The stakes were just too high, health Raffaele was more important than anyone else's opinion. It also takes me to crazy or visionary. At this point I was really happy to be considered abnormal in iterating that I had found itself oppose. I was now fully aware of the fact that there was no good hoping to make inroads in the heart of someone outside my anger, my sorrow, so why would anyone heard my message, my call for help. Because sometimes, and it is true, there is no better deaf or blind as those who refuse to cooperate, listen and see. The feelings of the people can not be bought, nor you beg and I do not think I could spend the rest of my life trying to conquer anyone I show that I was near them apart. I could cancel up to this point. If my husband did not love me, patience! I was fine with a clear conscience, because I had really loved, married for true love and sincere, for he had given up anything, but I regret nothing, because everything was the result of a choice that I made with my heart .

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Thus began the ascent of two beings destroyed in the hearts and souls: Raphael and me. And you know the wounds with the inmost are the most difficult to treat. I appeared, haggard and drained. I had "holes" on alopecia Cuio hair due to stress, hard life, the tedium boredom to feel unnecessary losses. I saw the ugly physical and moral, my mind had atrophied as I had stored all those who were my interests, the real motives of my reality. My biggest mistake, because now I could even focus on my mistakes, had my permit the other to crush me, I had been manipulated like a puppet. Being a mom-and employee-employee husband, had made me a ghost at the mercy of the insults and humiliations of all. And then I loved myself too little and too much emphasis to the other, and their scrutiny. I had always asked for opinions and advice to the wrong people, including mine, who not only understood me, but I was criticized and even in front of my children, making me lose prestige and credibility. In those days there was another violent quarrel with James: I threw up against him unique words and insults, I slammed in my face again the fact that his mother had reason to despise. To my surprise now, I realized that his words were derogatory not hurting me anymore. I felt that I did not care what her mother as well as others think of me, and I had not even going to do anything to get their due. Who does not understand me and would not strive to do at this point did not deserve me, let alone my son. I did not want anyone to impose slip into my being sick, I just wanted to make it alone, especially wanted to remove those who could not nor could have been persuaded of my reasons or choices. My health and my strength were worth much more than what others think, I did not want neither pity nor their endorsement. Too many phone calls to give explanations on the right and left, when in fact, "which was written that I had to justify or to explain?" Justified by whom? And for what? To be a human being perhaps? A human being that too much love in pain may also stumble or fall? At present the most important thing was off the ground, stand up and fight. And like a boxer who, after countless climb-downs desperately grabs the barrier of the ring and returns to face his opponent, so I grabbed her forcefully by the fence of my trouble, ready to return the sticks if need be.

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In this context, I learned a lot. I also learned that sometimes it is the continual distazione of us adults to children, day after day to create conditions that enhance their own ability to listen, reflect, be careful. The lives we lead, leads us in fact, to have always in a hurry, think of having to do everything at once, just like me, who sometimes believe they can tell my anguished life in an hour. Many of us parents, especially us mothers, we can be attacked and affected by performance anxiety, handed down from our mothers pass on to children, we would like to perfect, and instead are like this, as they are, with lora character, their history, their location, their impulsiveness . I realized that this was primarily a problem of mine, linked to my social "rudeness" as to when and to the needs of my child. Its activities were more divided than I really exposed him to the risk of becoming even more careless, but the concentration was good that was achieved. First, I had to make the little initiative and determination in his own business without too much interference. In this case, the specific drugs not served, served only to listen carefully re-education. Sometimes the drugs, especially those not suitable to the case, can cause irreparable damage, or states of agitation without precedent. And now I realized that this was part of what had happened to my Raffa. These were the years of my depth and careful study, my study "mad and desperate." I had, I wanted to learn, know how to really be his help. Only through knowledge, I would be able to trace, to break my chains and see the light. The light of wisdom and the right way to act. As a parent I try to create time and space on and dedicated to thoughts and emotions of my baby, trying to get in touch with his world, his feelings, his way of thinking and responding to certain situations, to try to guess how to defend it. Obvious that the family situation, articulate, filled with some ongoing conflicts, the changes in lifestyle, he had created in him a great suffering. Suffering that should not be underestimated. Raffa six years, had not found a way to get out of if, if not turning into anger, unrest and turmoil, all the confusion he felt. The inability to establish an ongoing relationship and satisfaction with a male figure, with his father, resulting in heavy air you breathe at home, the arguments for existence entirely fragmented and contradictory, had created in his torment, moral distress, killing of the already low self-esteem. He had an enormous thirst for be approved, welcome, reassured. So to "hear his voice, his cry of despair, refused to be a" good boy ". It was his challenge: the challenge to the school, family, society, to see if it was approved for what it was. Its primary need was not to identify with a child who had "something wrong", on the contrary had an extreme need to be guided when wrong, without being humiliated or subjected to comparisons or comparisons, so it disappeared from his thought the idea of \u200b\u200bworthlessness, of being bad, an impediment for adutlti. When a boy begins to outline the idea of \u200b\u200bbeing a mistake, an evil, a being uncomfortable, as it is captivating to him, unless we show them that it is not, will do everything to become real. That was my main task and specific: Raffaele help you to discover new solutions, to let him know that he was acting this way because it was harmful or not suitable, which was often emphasized and inculcated by their grandparents, but only because he suffered and was a bit 'angry. Only the medicine of confidence, consistency, restoration of communication, would allow Raffa to begin to understand and manage pious plan, their emotions, their movements of the soul. The journey was long, tortuous no doubt, but together we could make it. This puppy, who had already knocked on the doors of countless doctors and hospitals in Italy, was now known that at school, as well as at home, could there be a time and a place where he could be free to speak, outside himself and the evil within her, her frustrations. Free to learn to manage his moods and combat, as he said those were the "bad dragon" that made him so rude and unmanageable.

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Raffaele suffered greatly from the disease and the consequent removal from his grandmother. On the other hand had interacted and lived together for a long time. Hardly adapting to life with me at his house, which actually now do not even perceive it as such. The brother was seen by him as an intruder, a small intrusive asserting itself in its games and solitary appropriated its things. He and I, despite being mother and son were almost strangers, challenged me, provoked me often not internalized orders and rules that tried desperately to give him. I felt defeated, I thought that I would not have ever done to regain his confidence, his love, his respect. How could I explain to a child even six years that I had deserted him? thing I knew, I felt that he thought I did. Until something happened.
"Madam, this child is to institutionalize, I believe that given his situation,
This benefits you and the rest of the family. "" also consider the fact that his mother's health is seriously compromised ... all alone as he will? "This statement hard and sharp, came from one who professed to be, and was considered an authoritative medical, and scholars of child neuropsychiatry at the Institute G. Gaslini in Genoa. I had gone from her confident, I thought it was the best person to enlighten me, and instead no, rushed into the deepest despair. Him. ... Raffa in my school ... but how could I? I could not even imagine how it could be possible to implement a similar solution. as if the children were "things" and as if we had the right to decide whether to keep or store them, hide them, to satisfy our selfishness, or the simple need to hide the company someone who "came not just good," just because a different, distant from the cliche. Needless to say, this suggestion was quickly shelved by me, in fact I was actually shocked, not even taken into account. My mother, given his condition, was almost a perfect solution: in this way I would only deal with Luciano, Raffa was in good hands, you are free from commitments and burdens too heavy, and peace would be so returned. But I had two kids! And this was part of reality. Discovered in this chance that the real joy, not only had to love "u healthy child", but rather to give me the opportunity to love and take care of my children equally as diverse. And learn in a natural way to relate with them, to deal with them. Before this happen daunting episode, I had always lived with the terrible fear of force myself, I knew that all I have contradicted or pointed the finger at, because by now I was left confined to a secondary role of semi-mom. But now I was qualified to Raffa world. He was giving me the key to being able to finally find the courage to explode. Although on this occasion no one understood anything, I picked up what was left of my courage and my pride and finally decide to me and for me. I decided it was time to look ahead, and I would have come forward now, in spite of everything and everyone. I was sure that my son was in love for himself, for others, and the world, which was founded with its merits and its flaws. I knew that he loved, and amva even people who, when watching him, put his thoughts into action "over the top", look the other way, shaking his head. He also loved to be able to decide who assumed that many of their rights and their needs would not even have existed. Yes, he loved. Just more than all those who thought they were perfect and scholars, could really do. We now we really have something in common, a base from which to find ourselves: a dream. Our dream. To be able to share a project, a smile. A true smile that could light up every day.

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remember the time when she entered the operating room, the tears of my father, I smoked too many cigarettes during the six hours of waiting and then finally the response. The tumor was not one, but two, and then a little later than six months unless complications should be operated again to remove the second abnormal mass, which was on the right kidney. Was discharged after ten days, appeared pale and debilitated in body and terribly fragile. I did not see in her now more than oppressive figure that crushed me and wanted me to forge at all costs in his own image and likeness. In front of me was a small woman and in need of help. He stood in a corner of quiet and thoughtful, he spoke in a faint voice and made it hard to move. One month after his speech Raffa was again admitted to the department of neuropsychiatry Gaslini hospital in Genoa. This time the proceedings were acts of violence and self-directed. An ordeal that lasted a month, then at the end to stay on the formula issued by the Stella Maris Foundation. He was prescribed an antipsychotic, which would have at least contain the outbursts of anger and extreme vehemence and euforia.Un term "black". Darker than the rest of my troubled life.